A Day in my Crazy Brain

Biggest understatement of the year: Last night was weird. I have no idea what got into me. It may have been the mixture of macaroni & cheese with blackberry cobbler topped with vanilla bean ice cream floating around in my stomach. I’m really not sure if lots of cheese mixed with lots of sugar would create the chemical imbalance in my body necessary to evoke such an interesting evening. I was wired! I couldn’t sleep at all… well, that it is until my body collapsed into a state of comatose somewhere between 3:30 and 4 in the morning.

Perhaps it was the stunning victory I pulled off after dinner on Tiger Woods golf. After forcing a playoff on the final hole of a tournament that has more than doubled the amount of gray hairs on my head, I was victorious after a birdie put on the first playoff hole. I danced around, pumped my fist, fell to my knees and yelled at the top of my lungs. Well, on the inside I was yelling at the top of my lungs. I couldn’t be loud, for there were people trying to sleep. All right, it was time to calm down because I had to get some sleep. Brush the teeth. Wash the face. It’s only 11:30 pm! Two nights ago I went to bed at 6:30 am. Yesterday, in my attempt to slowly work my way into a more “normal” routine, I went to bed at 3 am. But 11:30? Yes, this was too early. I tossed and turned, my heart beating a million miles a minute. I poked my feet out of the covers to cool off a bit. No luck. I chucked the blanket off… and then later the sheet flew off the bed. I even sang Christmas carols. Anything to try and fall asleep. Just a hint for those of you who find yourself tossing and turning in bed… singing Christmas carols will not help you fall asleep. But alas, during one deep moment of true inspiration, I came up with a brilliant word. You see, I was contemplating the reason for my fanatical non-sleeping behavior. It may have been the golfing, I thought. So I blamed it on the “golf endorphins”, which must be pumping through my body and keeping me from much needed sleep. Suddenly, my German accent came alive, and I stated the same excuse, but really fast. Wow! A new word! Golfendorfins. Come on, you can do it too! Use your best German accent and say it really fast. It’s the most amazing word ever. I love it! So, as you can see, it was “that kind of weird” last night.

I woke up in time for my flight. A grueling three hours after falling asleep… dragging myself into the shower. Driving to the airport. Ah, yes, the airport. It’s my favorite place in the whole wide world. I love waiting in line to check in, even after I supposedly already “checked in” online. I love paying for a baggage fee, after already paying for my plane ticket. I love walking to gate security, so I can wait in another line. I love watching the TSA worker look at my driver’s license and boarding pass and then put a beautiful little red stamp on it. I really love getting into the next line. Grabbing 15 bins so I can strip away every last bit of my dignity and throw it all onto a conveyer belt. I love taking my shoes and belt off, just so I can walk through the metal detector and make it go off. I love the looks the security guards give each other. I love how one of them will tell me to walk through it again, as if this time, magically, it won’t beep when I walk through it. I really, really love having the same guard wave his super duper trusty wand all around my body and find nothing at all. I love putting all my clothes back on, packing my carry on again, trying to find all the missing items that somehow beamed up to space while going through the conveyer belt scanner. I love walking over a mile because no matter what gate my flight is departing out of; it always seems to be the one farthest from the security entrance I went through. I love getting to my gate, looking at my watch, and realizing I still have an hour until the plane starts boarding. I really, really, really love boarding time. I love when they call my section of the plane to board, how there are hundreds of people waiting in line to board. I love realizing fifteen minutes later, none of those people were actually boarding at that time, but rather just standing around the boarding area waiting for their section to be called. I love the stale smell of airplane as you walk down the boarding ramp.

It was here, inside the boarding ramp, that I first saw it. That last section, when you can look out and see a part of the plane up close. The paint job, chipping away, looking as if it had been repainted multiple times. A really big, deep scratch about six inches wide just above the door. I could see rivets everywhere, most of them protruding from the body. For some reason I thought they were supposed to be flush with the rest of the plane. I really don’t like American Airlines. They have become the ghetto airlines alliance. GAA for short. It seems all they fly are 40 year old MD-80 planes. I made the mistake of going to the restroom during my first flight. I thought it was loud where I was sitting towards the front. Oh no! In the back, the noise is deafening! I’m surprised the environmentalists haven’t been involved in noise brutality lawsuits. Oh, I forgot, their not all that interested in human suffering. But I’m sure if we put some crickets in the back of those planes, they would be shut down in less than a day.

For the next few hours, I played this really awkward game with the guy sitting next to me. It’s called “Nudgy”. The rules are you can never lay your arm over the entire middle armrest. You are only allowed to occupy a maximum of 50%. The goal is to occupy the largest portion of the armrest (up to 50%) but without touching the other person’s arm. If you do happen to touch, absolutely under no circumstances do you ever make eye contact. Just grown ever so slightly, make an awkward movement in your seat and pretend like it never happened. Now slowly make your way back onto the armrest and the game goes on. I failed miserably in this game. I probably had well over 20 awkward touches during my four-hour flight. But I never made eye contact, and that was victory enough for me.

The next flight was even better. After everyone was on board, buckled in and ready to go, the pilot spoke on the intercom. Apparently one of the computers had failed and we would wait for maintenance before heading on our way. Hmmm… I’m not sure about you, but I’m not a big fan of computers crashing on my plane, especially when they are responsible for avionic controls. And why, pray tell, would a pilot ever inform his passengers of this scenario? The only plausible reason I can muster is that computers crashing on planes must be a “routine” experience for this pilot, so it’s no big deal. Welcome to American Airlines! We hope you enjoy our flight experience today… and we would like to offer you a chance to purchase life insurance before we make our departure.

Well, I bought that life insurance and lots of it. Now, let’s see… what shall I do for the last 30 minutes of my life? Duh! Play my favorite game in the whole wide world! Nudgy anyone?